


Overnight Insanity

by Settiai



Category: Firefly
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, F/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-01-09
Updated: 2006-01-09
Packaged: 2017-10-05 10:28:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/40742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Settiai/pseuds/Settiai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Malcolm Reynolds was well on his way toward convincing himself that every single person in the 'verse but him had gone completely insane overnight.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Overnight Insanity

**Author's Note:**

  * For [meinterrupted](https://archiveofourown.org/users/meinterrupted/gifts).



> Originally written for Space Santa.

Malcolm Reynolds was well on his way toward convincing himself that every single person in the 'verse but him had gone completely insane overnight.

When he had got up that morning, there hadn't been a single sign that the world was about to turn upside down on him. Inara was away, entertaining some customer at a nearby moon, and the Shepherd was visiting some of his brethren on the other side of the same moon. Truth be told, Mal had almost been expecting the day to pass just as smoothly as the one before.

Then he walked into the cockpit, only to find it already occupied by a sleeping Wash and Zoe.

Any other time, he wouldn't have been too bothered to find them both sound asleep in there. It wasn't a secret that they sometimes used the cockpit as a second bunk, and -- even though they were usually awake by the time he woke up -- there had been a few previous occasions that had ended up with him walking in on the two of them curled up in each other's arms, the entire room smelling like sex.

Of course, they had always been covered in a sheet or some other piece of material during those past occasions. This time, though, they were both laying there without a single scrap of anything covering them up.

That was the first sign that his crew was losing their minds.

"_Wode tìan_!" he exclaimed, the words leaving his mouth before he could stop them. He immediately looked away as both Wash and Zoe jerked awake, barely missing a view that he was fairly certain would scar him for the rest of eternity. "I really did not need to see that."

Zoe was the first to speak. "Captain, I can expl--"

"You don't have to explain," Wash cut in. "We're married. I'm the pilot. If we want to have sex in my pilot's seat until Zoe co--"

Mal groaned. "Please don't finish that sentence," he said, grimacing a bit when what he had meant to be an order came out more like begging.

"Captain..."

"I think it would be best for all of us if I just forget that I saw this," Mal said weakly. "In fact, let's just pretend I started my tradition of never walking into the cockpit when I first wake up today instead of tomorrow."

Still carefully keeping his gaze away from the two of them, he quickly started moving away from the cockpit. "I'm just going to... check up on Kaylee and see if she's started repairing that whatever-it-is that she made me buy parts for."

Mal couldn't help but feel a shiver of worry shoot down his spine when Wash let out a quiet snort of laughter that turned into a groan as Zoe apparently elbowed him in the stomach.

That was never a good sign.

*

"If I believed in God, then I'd swear he's out to get me," Mal muttered, rubbing his temple as he attempted to avoid watching Kaylee and Simon both scramble to find the remaining articles of clothing that they were missing.

"I really don't care that the two of you have stopped tiptoeing around each other," he said, finally looking at them clearly when a quick glimpse revealed that they were once again at least mostly clothed. "Honestly, I don't. Still, would it kill you to warn someone that he's about to walk in on something he'd rather not see?"

Kaylee shot him an annoyed look. "I kind of figured you'd have enough since not to barge in here without knowing what I was doing," she said irritably.

"No one's had sex in this engine room since I walked in on you and Bester, and that was a couple years ago," Mal grumbled. "How was I supposed to know that the two of you were well on your way to changing that truth?"

When Kaylee didn't say anything, he raised an eyebrow. "No one has had sex in here since Bester left, right?"

She rolled her eyes, and her lips twisted into a slight smirk. "Not with me," she said wickedly. "You'll have to ask Jayne how many times he's brought one of his--"

When Mal turned and stomped out of the engine room, muttering words such as "insanity" and "punishment" under his breath as he left, she trailed off and let out a quiet giggle.

As he moved out of earshot, Mal heard the doctor speak for the first time since he'd barged in on the two of them.

"So I guess he's not going to kill us?"

His entire crew was going insane. There was no question about it.

*

"Kill me now," Mal groaned, his eyes closed shut and his hand held protectively over them to avoid seeing any more naked skin than he already had. "Jayne, what the hell do you think you're doing?"

Even though he couldn't see the other man, Mal could just picture Jayne blinking a few times in confusion before he spoke. "Well, I was having sex."

"I noticed that part," Mal said dryly, still not uncovering his eyes. "I was referring more to the fact that the person you were having sex with is a seventeen-year-old girl whose brother would gladly carve you up into little pieces for touching his sister."

"Simon knows," River said, breaking in cheerfully. "Kaylee told him. He's not happy, but he's not going to kill the ape-man since I initiated sexual relations."

"Huh?" Jayne asked. "What do you mean by init--"

Mal tried not to chuckle, and it came out as a mixture between a laugh and a moan. "River, honey, are you trying to tell me that you seduced Jayne?"

River let out a laugh. "I had hoped it would provide me with sufficient practice for later times," she said matter-of-factly. "But the ape-man did not give me much time to observe planned seduction techniques."

"You know, it would be fine with me if you stopped calling me an ape-man," Jayne muttered.

"Maybe Inara will show me more if I ask," River continued, almost as if Jayne hadn't even spoken. "I only know those Kaylee used on Simon when they fir--"

Mal held up his hand, and River promptly fell silent.

"I'll be in my bunk," he muttered, his voice muffled slightly by the hand still held over his face. "Maybe I'll at least be safe from whatever insanity's taken over my entire crew."

River let out a peal of laughter that, on any other occasion, would have brought a smile even to Mal's face. This time, however, all it did was make him want to run from the room as fast as he possibly could. "Inara's schedule says that she should be back on board Serenity before mealtime," she said impishly. "She might like insanity."

Mal let out a moan as he uncovered his face, his eyes closed tightly until he turned away from Jayne and River. Then, without saying a word to either of them, he stomped off, muttering curses to himself as he hurried away.

Yep. There was no doubt about it. Every single person member of his crew had completely lost their mind.


End file.
